Surrender to the Flow

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I want to change the world through love. There are so many people struggling to ascend, to awaken and they don’t know what the fuck is happening to them or why. They just know they feel awful, it feels like the opposite of ascension. It feels like the world is closing in and you’re going to break for good.

So you either let yourself break and see how far you go, you keep trying to hold it together, or most likely, some combination of the two. There is an easier way to navigate this, which I learned the hard way. I learned how to allow myself to break while being both the observer and participant in my emotional experience. This allows the process to unfold, the emotion (energy in motion) to move through, without the terror that this feeling is “it” or “final” or worse yet “me.”

Sure, emotions can hurt like hell, but these are normal human emotions that need to be felt to move. Yet, we’re not taught this, we’re taught to be emotionally constipated. I have a theory, when we’re really little we’re allowed to freely express ourselves literally - emotions and bowels. Then potty training begins and we learn where, when and how to appropriately experience our normal, healthy, bodily functions. Around the same time (give or take a few years), we start being conditioned to not express our emotions as readily. Some parents comfort their kids when emotions arise, and some shame the emotions, but we all learn that the general public is not interested in our emotional releases. This is great - as a matter of fact it’s probably very helpful - would we want completely free release of bowels everywhere? Of course not! But the difference is we ARE taught were to go to the bathroom and we’re not taught where or how to release our emotions in a healthy way. Enter societal emotional constipation.

We think we’re good at holding in emotions, so good that we don’t even have to consciously do it. It just happens. There was one point in my life where I don’t think I cried more than a few small drops for about ten years, and I thought this was normal! Maybe it is normal currently, but it’s not healthy for our mind, body, or spirit.

This is what happens to the emotions we think we’re hiding: road rage, being cold to strangers, having mostly surface-level relationships, being defensive, self-protective, over-eating, under-eating, over-exercising, under-exercising, drinking, doing drugs, binge watching tv, unconsciously posting on social media, scrolling incessantly on social media, the list goes on and on. Practically everything we do on a daily basis that is 1. Not consciously chosen 2. Habitual 3. Not serving our body’s and being’s highest and best is an attempt to numb, hide, run from, or ignore our emotions. Emotions that are trying to TELL us something. They are wanting to communicate either a fragmented piece of ourselves that wants attention or an expanded truth to align to.

True connection requires empathy and compassion for self and other. If you’re judging yourself or others, then you’re not accessing your full depth of compassion - because it hurts too much. Judgment is self-defensive and protective. In my experience there is always another layer to access. Even after many years of healing and expanding, our souls came here for the opportunity to expand and will find any way to do so. If you feel like your wounds are healed, ask yourself what expanded place your soul is wanting you to enter as it’s likely that that’s the next area of emotional work. Every time we expand, we shed, and in that process we always feel deeply.

So what is wrong with us, are we all broken? YES! Our brokenness makes us whole, hang with me because paradox is at the core of all human experience. When we can see, admit, and love our brokenness as our wholeness, we allow ourselves to truly FEEL whole. Our brokenness is our shared humanity, it’s the part that lets the light in, we’ve heard that a million times, right? But it’s true, its the cracks that allow us to expand, to accept more and more as the truth of who we are - one shared humanity having an intense Earthly experience. We all came here for a reason, our souls chose THIS time in history - the rising of a New Earth.

Every time we go from expansion into contraction it hurts that much fucking more. It hurts like holy hell. It’s like falling on the pavement when walking as an adult vs. a two year old. The two year old does it all the time and is close to the ground. Sure there may be some tears but most of the time she’s just fine. The adult has a long fucking way down to hit the ground and sees life in slow motion on the way down. It’s completely terrifying because we know how bad it can be when we land. But here’s the thing, when I recently went flying across an intersection, I got up, looked at my hands and legs and was perfectly fine. The universe was reminding me that I will trip, fly, fall, skid, slide and still be perfectly fine. I am protected, as we all are. So this is a call to be brave, to feel it all.

To feel the terror and deep despair of loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, shame, self-loathing, the list goes on and on. It’s only through feeling these emotions that we can expand to the fullness of the human experience. If we are feeling these, then they’re in us already. Like Wayne Dyer’s saying “when you squeeze an orange you get orange juice” you can’t squeeze something and get something else, that’s just not how it works. So if the emotion is coming out of us, it’s in us. We all do it, we all spend some time hiding, negotiating with the monkeys, rationalizing. What if instead just felt freely. Maybe not all of the time, maybe not in the middle of an important business presentation, but maybe right after, as soon as you get home make some space for yourself and let out what ever came up.

It’s important to add that emotional release is not about someone else “hearing about it” or “paying for it". It’s about our own sacred expression. Many people repress anger because they see how badly anger hurts others. That leaves us out of choices - hold it in or let it out on someone? What about a more expanded option - releasing the anger, giving it voice, simply to move the energy? This looks like covering your face with a pillow, closing the door and screaming or going out to an open space in nature alone and letting it out. If you can’t verbalize, writing all of it down and burning it or ripping it into pieces, or going outside and stomping around. Find a local 2-3 year old, they will show you how. When we accept the fact that fear, anger and sadness are experienced by all humans, we can come up with creative ways to express and move the energy that have nothing to do with other humans.

Emotions only ever help us, they’re truly not here to kill us as we often think (likely subconsciously). They’re here to teach us, to move through us, to make room for what’s new. How about we make a commitment to each other to feel fully and see what happens? I bet magic finds us

Who You Truly Are

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When you saw this quote attributed to "unknown" did you think, "wait, I know that one, isn't it Mark Twain?" I thought so too and upon googling, I learned that it has never shown up in his work. The grand irony is a quote about being so sure of what we know has been mis-attributed likely thousands of times...Why is this relevant? Well I felt compelled to write today about stories, conditioning, and dogma. So of course, as I was thinking about what quote most perfectly portrays what stories that we are SO CONVINCED of as being true, this one was the first to pop into my head.

By way of background, I am a Post-Modern Political Theorist by training. Huh? Yah, random, or is it? Third quarter of my Sophomore year of college, I stumbled into a Political Theory class taught by Dr. Nicholas Dungey. I began college as a bio-chemistry major and not too far in realized that even though I loved and excelled at Chemistry in high school, hardcore science was not my calling. I began exploring other courses and the moment I started learning of ancient, modern, and post modern political theory, I was hooked. It was a soul knowing that this is what I was meant to study and felt as if I was remembering the texts, rather than learning them for the first time. It was the first time I recall experiencing the feeling of true oneness with the universe.

Political Theory is the study of systems, governments, and the way in which government and people interact. So what does this have anything to do with consciousness, healing, and being on a spiritual journey? I'm glad you asked (HA!) The way in which governments and organizations (religion, for example) want people to behave and the power that these organizations hold over people, directly informs the conditioning we are all subjected to. One of the main philosophers I studied was Michel Foucault who talks about Jeremy Bentham's Panopticon, a building structure that allows one person to watch many. It became the structure used for prisons, hospitals, and classrooms, to name a few. When we begin formal schooling, we begin our conditioned training (outside of the home, there's plenty that goes on inside the home, but that's another blog!) We begin to learn the rules of the institution, in this case the school. We learn when to work and when to play, when to use the bathroom, how to ask for what we need, and when to listen to others. All of this conditioning is very useful to live in a civilized society. It teaches us manners, how to cooperate with others, that our needs are important and so are everyone else's.

The problem with conditioning isn't the fact that we all learn a certain basic set of rules of community engagement, it's that we don't realize we're being conditioned. So we begin to interact with the outside world and start to learn ALL of the rules, rules that actually exist and ones that truly don't. We start to think that what everyone else has to say is more important than what we thought to be true. I'm talking to your five or six year old self, the one who wants to obey, fit in, have friends, be a part of the community, be in good standing at school, have the teacher like you, and receive love. All of this is happening when we're not old enough or experienced enough to know what of the outside world to listen to and what of ourselves to listen to, so we learn to defer to the outside first.

You may be thinking, so what are you proposing, total chaos in the kindergarten classroom (as if any more is needed)? No! On behalf of my mom and all of the loving, giving, selfless kindergarten teachers out there, I am absolutely not advocating for five year olds in perpetual chaos. I'm talking to adult you, to your soul who knows that everyone else's rules do not have to be yours all the time any more. You learned WONDERFUL ways of being and ways of coping as a child and many of those things still apply. Have you ever seen the poster "All I ever needed to know I learned in kindergarten?" (side note: my mom had one hanging in our laundry room and that triggered the crap out of me in high school. I was like "if this is true why am I still putting up with all of this bs?!")

What I'm saying is it's time to unlock the doors to your own prison. It's time to get super curious about what conditioning you've taken on that is truly not you and is not serving you. I'm advocating for you to take direction from your higher self, fully aligned with your values. Grab a journal and a pen and answer the following questions:

What actions am I taking on a daily basis out of fear?

Whose rules or what story are at the root of these actions?

In what ways am I keeping my own prison door locked even though it's making me miserable?

What stories am I telling myself MUST be true, that simply are not?

The process of unconditioning ourselves can be arduous and treacherous, but it is so rewarding. Everything we've ever wanted is on the other side of fear. One of the scariest parts about moving through some of the ways we keep ourselves locked up is the fact that you will realize you were doing it to yourself all along. This is where a huge dose of self-forgiveness comes in. This is about loving yourself so much that you let the emotion flow and you remind yourself you've always been doing the best you could with what you know, in every single moment.

Now is the time for change, more so than ever before in human history we are bringing everything to the light. It is time to unlock ourselves and find out what's on the other side of these prison doors. Go towards the light, with every freaking step, go towards the light. The light looks feels like love and possibility, it feels open, free, and expansive. It feels like the land where all of your hopes and dreams reside. Come meet me there.

We Are All Being Called

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I've felt a shift coming for the last few years pertaining to the expression and expectation of masculinity in our culture. It was a combination of intuitive knowing that there is another way and watching what men in our culture are asked to do and knowing it's not loving or sustainable. I'm talking about our cultural teaching and expectation that men do not show emotion. Me are told to be strong and stoic instead; there are so many sayings that people throw around from "brush it off" to "grown men don't cry." Men struggle with bouts of anger, rage, and depression and their suicide rates are five times higher than women. This is exactly why our relationships are filled with so much ego and so little true emotional intimacy and unconditional love.

In 2017, women had a year of public rising. Starting with the Women's March and moving into more public discussions of what it means to be a feminist and the #MeToo movement. Women are standing up against the wounded masculine patriarchy and saying no more! We are stepping into our power, our birthright of being whole, connected beings embodying divine feminine and masculine qualities within us. As women honor their shadows, heal their wounds and those of their ancestors, we need men to step up and meet us there.

We are calling the patriarchy out and calling the Divine Masculine up to stand with us in this new way of being. As we heal and rise, we need to clear space and allow men to heal and rise as well. If we want true balance, true partnership, true union within and without, we ALL need to hear the call to RISE.

I'm listening to Lewis Howes' The Mask of Masculinity as I drive across the country from California to Chicago. Howes is a thought leader, as a former NFL football player and also the victim of childhood rape, he knows first hand how deep the wounds are and the cost of not expressing and healing the pain. He discusses nine types of masks that men wear, and quite frankly I think a lot of women wear many of them in one way or another as well. A few examples of the masks he talks about are the Stoic Mask, the Athlete Mask, and the Material Mask. He goes into detail as to the ways these mask erode our relationships and how to begin removing them.

This is not just a book for men, this is a wake up call for all humans to look at the masks we wear and the masks that we ask others to wear. How are you showing up in the world? Do you let people see your heart and soul fully naked or do you have layer upon layer of ego protecting your true self? It can be so scary to be completely open and vulnerable, it takes a ton of courage to show up as your full, aligned, whole self in every aspect of your life. But if we don't, we are hiding and never giving others the opportunity to truly see us and thus truly love us.

So why do we do this? Where do these masks come from? Male or female, we are taught at an early age that some emotions are acceptable and some are not. We're taught that our emotions are burdensome to others and are even "inappropriate." Human beings feel A LOT, whether we admit it or not. We are also very compassionate by nature. This combination of feeling and compassion can lead to experiencing an overwhelming amount of our own and others' pain. It's not comfortable to be in pain (by the very definition of the word) so we try to control it, contain it and prevent it. We do this to such a degree that it becomes second nature and deeply subconscious. We have no idea how much feeling we are blocking on a day to day basis and every time we block feeling, we are creating space between ourselves and true connection.

The great paradox is that to feel great love, joy, peace, freedom, and all of the other wonderful emotions and feelings we enjoy, we have to feel all of the painful emotions as well. As Brene Brown says in her famous TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability, we can't selectively numb emotion. If we numb pain, we also numb joy. It reminds me of getting a shot of Novocaine at the dentist's office, it is wonderful to not have to feel the full extent of having your tooth drilled into, but if you treat yourself to ice cream after, you also won't fully taste the deliciousness.

So what is the solution to this destructive cycle we've found ourselves in? We have to bring our emotions back online. We have to wake ourselves up, begin to truly FEEL, and remove the masks. It's a dance, as a mask comes off, there will be emotions underneath to be felt. As you feel those emotions, more "ah ha's" will come and more masks will be removed. It's like unlocking our own prison doors one corridor at a time. Most of us are so deeply locked in prison that we both don't realize there's another way to live and if we do, we think someone else holds the key. I'm here to tell you, there is so much light and love on the other side and, YOU HOLD THE KEY! You always have, it's just a matter of deciding that it's time to let yourself out. You've been offline for long enough, the world needs your light, your love, your heart.

I can't wait for you to join me in freedom!

Divine Feminine Goddess Training

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Sometimes catalysts are so powerful that a series of events is ignited and I almost forget where or when it started. Sometimes they're so subtle that shift after shift after shift comes and thinking back, I have no idea where it all began. This is both.

For all intents and purposes, this story both starts Friday, October 20, 2017 and four plus years ago. The beautiful thing is it doesn't matter, I am here now.

I am in Divine Feminine Goddess Training.

The universe helped me see this clearly and consciously through a phone conversation with my dear friend Laura. She was describing a tree where the branches split into two, then one comes back across, forming a circle-like shape. Behind half of the circle is another branch, blocking the view, so light passes through half and not the other half. When I saw the picture of the tree, I knew exactly what it was, a yin/yang symbol. The ultimate paradox of being human, the light and dark within us all.

See, prior to this, I have been on a journey out of the darkness and into more and more light for four plus years since experiencing extreme heartbreak and falling deep into a cave. I began navigating my way out, one step at a time and with each step I took, I found more light from my heart and soul. Along the way I've gathered wisdom, removed layers of my ego, healed wounds from this lifetime and many past lifetimes, and gathered coaching and healing tools that have been tried and true for myself and I know will help others immensely as well.

I have experienced so much along the way; each chapter has been fascinating and full of soul food. Today, the story that's ready to be told is that of my Twin Flame connection. I am at a vista  where I have an entirely new view and perspective and thus am ready to begin describing the landscape.

When I first experienced connecting with my Twin Flame in human form, I had no idea about anything pertaining to spirituality. I was a skeptic at best. After the relationship with my Twin Flame ended and I found myself deep in the cave, I was so overcome with sadness, regret and despair, I blamed my heart for loving so fully. Two weeks in, this pain was so immense I realized I had it all wrong, what I felt in my heart was real and I began to allow my heart to guide me. It asked me to listen closely, this relationship wasn't like anything else I had experienced and it wasn't like what I was seeing reflected back to me in the outside world. In order to understand, I would need to go within.

This is a wonderful message and a universal Truth, that we have all of the answers within. However, my ego wasn't ready to give up full control, thus beginning a four plus year battle with my heart for the driver's seat. Life can feel tricky to navigate because I value wisdom immensely and that includes the wisdom within myself and the wisdom of others. I want to trust myself fully and completely, and that also means being able to listen to others' perspectives and truly know what is meant for me and what is not. In this case, I feel that Glennon Doyle's words could not be more true "Stop asking other people for directions to places they've never been." Over time I've learned to listen to myself deeply, mostly the wisdom of my body as it always knows where my truth lays.

As you can imagine, I have experienced every various type of terrain on this four plus year journey, from caves and underground rivers to cliffs descending into the ocean and open green prairies. I've star gazed and prayed to the moon and I've gotten sucked in by the rip tide and thrown around on the ocean floor. All of this, every single moment, every single day, a part of a carefully designed and orchestrated plan by my soul.

Then Friday, October 27th occurred, I walked into a crystal shop and an aquamarine called to me, a stone for opening your throat chakra and speaking your truth, and also my birthstone. I knew it was for me. I then walked into the back room and there was a giant Quan Yin statue and a whole alter dedicated to her. She is a manifestation of the Divine Mother, a goddess of light, compassion and forgiveness. I knew she was now with me for the next stage of my adventure. After purchasing a "Wild Kuan Yin" oracle deck, I began learning more about her and I learned that her Twin Flame is Lao Tzu. I think I googled "do all ascended masters have Twin Flames?" and was led to the most amazing site that gave me everything I need for the next stage of my journey.

At this point, you may be thinking "what is a Twin Flame?" It is believed to be one soul that divided and is now manifested in two bodies. Hence the reason that being with this person feels like home. (If you're curious if you've met your Twin Flame, here's a quiz). These souls come to Earth with a particular mission: to uplift consciousness through unconditional love. Each twin's soul provides experiences so they may purge any lower frequency energies, heal wounds, and uplift their vibration to be a match with unconditional love.

The shift I have made over the past week is knowing that my mission is to fully step into knowing that I am a Divine Feminine Goddess and it is my birthright to fully embody this energy. This is how I will fulfill my soul's purpose in this lifetime. By me fully embracing myself as a Divine Feminine Goddess, I can help heal, coach, guide, and teach others to do the same, based upon their own wisdom and their own soul guidance. We are all Divine Love in human form and it is time for us to fully embrace this Truth.

You may be thinking, so what about your Twin Flame? I now fully know, honor, and trust that the Twin Flame bond (a cord of unconditional love between heart chakras) is the universes' to manage. My job is to fully step into and embody my wholeness, my uniqueness, my voice, my mission. Everything else flows from there. This is a complete act of faith and trust and one that has demanded my ego accept a demotion to the back seat of the vehicle. My heart is driving and my soul is riding shotgun as the courageous and trusted navigator.

I am here and I am ready.

 

 

A Treatise on Unconditional Love

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Unconditional love exists deep within our hearts and souls, yet our egos tend to hold us apart from it in fear. This is why the message of unconditional love is asking to come through. It is the Truth of our being, the place we are all coming back home to. When we begin learning how to be human at a very young age, we take cues from everything external to us. This is necessary so we can learn how to exist in the world. In this process however, we forget our true nature and set ourselves off on a trajectory of listening to everything else around us more than we hear ourselves. We spend our lives looking for cues from our families, friends, television, social media and we conform, conform, conform. As this is happening, there's something within us that's dying - our soul, our purpose, our passion. The more we fit ourselves into a box, the less air there is to breathe and we become stressed out, anxious, worried, and afraid.

This is why the message of unconditional love is so important. It's our north star, the beacon of light that guides us away from everything our egos tell us we are or are not and back to our true nature. The closer and closer we get to our true nature, the more peace, calm, ease, and love we experience in our daily lives. It is truly magical!

How do I know that unconditional love is even possible in human form? Because everything we want to believe points directly to unconditional love. You may have heard or felt the beliefs that we are all exactly where we need to be at all times or everything happens for a reason. Those beliefs are pointing directly to unconditional love. Unconditional love for yourself, your journey, your triumphs, your failures, so much so that you don't even see that there is such thing as a mistake in life because everything is happening for us. That is unconditional love.

If you have had a dog, you know unconditional love. You know a being who is purely in the present moment, always happy to see you, ready to cheer you up, or play regardless of how many hours you worked that day or how much you earn. Your dog is a being who accepts you for exactly who you are. In that relationship, you also know unconditional self-love. You don't judge what your stomach looks like or what emotions you experienced that day through your dogs eyes. You don't think to yourself "I wonder what Marley is thinking about how I look in these pants, I better change."

So how can we come home to unconditional love in all of the other, much more complex relationships in our lives? We must start by courageously looking at our wounds, healing our past pain, and uncovering the subconscious beliefs that are holding us back in fear. Why would you choose to begin that journey? Because you know deep within that it's not a choice; you feel a part of you dying and you love yourself too much to let that happen. A life of stress, anxiety, worry, fear, anger, and discontent is not the life you came here to live. There is another way and the views and vistas along that road are truly filled with peace, joy, contentment, and fulfillment.

Unconditional love is not only possible for you, it's calling you. It may be the more quiet whisper that you are able to not pay as much attention to, but you know it's there. You know you came here to experience the most of the human adventure which is so much more than busyness, stress, and constant doing. As soon as you say "Yes! Unconditional love is possible for me," the universe will begin conspiring in your favor to show you all of the paths to get there (psst...the universe already is you just may not yet realize it). If you're reading this and the only voice in your head you can hear is the one that talks incessantly and is telling you stories that none of this is true, that's perfectly normal, it's your ego not wanting to "lose" the battle with your heart. The thing is, your heart has never been competing, it is just gently whispering, calling you home.

Let the Discomfort do its Work

In yoga we talk about "finding your edge" in a pose, referring to the balance between allowing discomfort and not going so far as to injure yourself. The physical practice serves as an invitation to meet the discomfort with grace, ease, and patience so we have the opportunity to experience learning that the discomfort will not kill us and is actually a gateway to growth.

How does this relate to life off of the yoga mat? Same principles, same practice. Discomfort is a part of being human and is often the birthplace of extraordinary growth and expansion on our journeys. Let's be honest though, discomfort and our egos aren't exactly best friends. When we begin to experience discomfort we tend to frantically look for the nearest emergency exit. For many that may come in the form of food, alcohol, TV, relationships, shopping, social media, the list could go on and on. After all, we are hard-wired to avoid discomfort because our brains perceive it as a threat to our existence, the same way that being chased by a woolly mammoth was actually a threat to our existence. Of course, we still very much need this hard-wiring in our brains because we are still surviving out in the world. The problem comes in when we confuse uncomfortable emotions for actual threats to our safety and well-being.

What if instead of seeking distraction, we befriended the discomfort? Better yet, what if we befriended ourselves with self-love and care through the process, fully trusting that everything is always happening for our highest and best? Here are some helpful tools I've learned along the way which allow me to sit in the discomfort with more grace and ease:

1. Breathe

What does befriending ourselves and being patient with discomfort look like? First, it is noticing and extending the precious pause between stimuli and action. Bringing breath in to calm your nervous system and allowing yourself to become conscious of the origin of the discomfort before responding. I am going through this right now, feeling quite uncomfortable as the process of emotional shedding I discussed in my last post is not yet complete. I am still processing, integrating, and shedding some more. So instead of reacting to the feeling that something must really be wrong, I'm breathing and noticing. The more long, deep, conscious breaths I take, the calmer I feel. It really is that simple.

2. Choose Love

So often we are running from fear because we don't even realize that we have a choice. The fear monkeys, the ego's loyal operatives, are already on the case, telling us crazy stories filled with horrible outcomes. What if we were able to pause and actually ask the question, "am I running towards love or away from fear?" Once we gain clarity on what "running towards love" looks like in that situation, we tend to then have access to an expanded perspective that helps quiet the monkeys and remind us that we truly are okay. I find journaling to be a wonderful tool for helping me choose love. I start with stream of consciousness, allow my fears to flow, and by the time I'm done writing my perspective has often shifted entirely. Thus, I've both stopped my fears from spiraling in my head and gained clarity on what choosing love truly looks like.

3. Self-care

Once we've been able to discern love from fear, we're well on the way to allowing the discomfort to camp out for awhile, serving as fertile soil for our growth. What else can we add to the soil to aid growth? More fertilizer and water of course! Nurturing ourselves through self-care can both be easy and so easily neglected. Often we're focused on taking care of others or are so overcome with the discomfort and fear that we want to crawl up in a ball. Again, completely normal and understandable - look at what a roly-poly does when it may be harmed! However, there are some tried and true self-care items that are even accessible from a ball (if you're willing to do somersaults through the house). First, make sure to drink a lot of water and eat healthy, nutrient-dense foods. We can only process through things when we have the fuel to do so. Next, get enough sleep, take naps, allow the yin side of life to support your process. I find it extraordinarily helpful to have a list of favorite things handy so you don't have to think when you are feeling really down. This list may include things like: take a bath, light candles, watch a favorite movie, listen to music, get a massage, or go on a walk with your dog.

4. Settle in and allow

Now that you have beautifully noticed what is happening, reassured yourself that you are going to be okay, made the loving decision that you are not going to seek distraction to avoid, and instead are going to take beautiful care of yourself, it's time to let the discomfort do its work. That's right, settle in like it's a luxurious mud bath in Calistoga, temporarily enveloping you in heaviness to allow the release of what is no longer serving you. This process of shedding is so incredibly important for personal growth.

Next time you find yourself repeating a cycle that you know is not serving your highest and best, I encourage you to stop and notice. Ask yourself, is there discomfort that I am trying to avoid? Is this an opportunity for me to breathe, notice, and take another path, allowing new growth? You don't have to like it as it's transpiring but your soul promises it will be worth it!

A Grand Experiment

I have a kid in a candy store-like love for signs from the universe. Thus, the universe happily plays along! As all good stories begin, I was in the parking lot of the Chicago City Clerk's office, walking out frustrated because I didn't accomplish what I had wanted to. As I approached my car, I saw an Illinois license plate that read "REBIRTH." At this point, I was at the very beginning of a contraction that would prove to almost do me in, at least it felt that way.

It feels like every time I reach a new plateau of perspective, as I'm gazing at the vista celebrating the view and effort it took to get there, BAM the universe deals me a doozie. I love thinking about the process of consciousness expansion in terms of hiking. The Kalalau Trail on Kauai's north shore is my favorite; it consists of constant ups and downs, sharp cliffs, and slippery rocks. Most of all, it offers spectacular views. You'll be staring at your feet one moment, making sure you don't slip on wet, mud covered rocks, and the next moment you'll be at a lookout of nothing but turquoise and cobalt ocean for as far as the eye can see. As soon as I have sufficiently soaked in the view, it's time to keep moving and hike up another steep ascent. I have hiked a portion of this trail more times than I can count and I am so grateful for this physical experience, emblazoned in my brain, as it provides my human self a reference point for the journey that my soul is on.

The plateau was the amazing feeling of completing another 30 hour, three day coaching workshop wherein I set the intention to hold my energetic boundaries, observe others' energy, and not judge or react. This is a huge change from my typical way of interacting as a highly sensitive person (HSP) and empath. I sense, perceive, and process everything around me so deeply that by the end of a 30 hour workshop with 40 people experiencing emotions, epiphanies, and everything in between, I'm used to needing a two day savasana to recover! Literally right before the contraction began I was on the phone with my coach celebrating this new skill I had successfully practiced and lamenting about how pleased I was to have this new tool in my HSP tool belt.

So of course, the universe was like "she's ready!" Ready as I'll ever be I suppose, and honestly, every single time this happens, no matter how absolutely incredible the other side is, I am completely and utterly terrified during the process. Fortunately, I've been through enough of these to have a point of reference and see a pattern. It starts with learning, growing, expanding, then a new vista is reached, then "oh holy $hit I'm falling down a cliff into a dark hole and am going to disappear into nothingness and become a fly's dinner," then...rebirth!

Back to the City Clerk's Office and this auspicious license plate. I read it, smiled, thought "this may be for me," got in the car and started driving the wrong way down the parking aisle in the small strip mall like the complete rebel that I am. I pull out onto the street and miraculously the REBIRTH license plate shows up right in front of me at the stop light. How is that even possible? I don't think anyone was in the car when I walked by. WOAH, okay, that is for me.

Then the games began. The first sign was a level of anxiety no pretending-to-be-sane human being should have to endure. My chest was closed, my heart rate sky high, and I had to remind myself to breathe. (This is why we practice yoga...but that's a different blog post!) Over the course of the next week I kept moving through the energy, but the panic was ever present. I journaled, cried, marched around like a two year old muttering angry words (you should try it, it's a great way to release anger!), wrote myself a card, got a massage, talked to my energy healer, hiked with a friend, pulled oracle cards, and journaled some more. After enduring a week of this, I was out walking Oski and the contraction was so intense that I was literally afraid that I was going to become a speck of dust.

I walked back into my condo and burst into tears, this knowing hit me like a ton of bricks and my old perspective was being shed and grieved like my clothing was on fire and I just had to get it off. It all came so fast, and then words, words that weren't mine and they needed to come through me. I grabbed a piece of chalk and went to my chalk wall:

What if my only purpose is to know I am Divine Love?

What if everything else is a choice?

A step on the path to come home; come home to this knowing

To then live every subsequent step or experience as sport/recreation/a grand experiment in being human

Then why does it hurt so badly?

Because I am human and to be human is to experience Divine love in the human body/form/lens

Being human can hurt like hell and also be beautiful beyond wildest imagination

This was truly a complete perspective shift for me. I intellectually knew most of this to be true, but my being didn't feel it. It was my soul that needed to heal, my soul that needed to download this knowing from the universe into every cell of my being so that this is my new lens. A pure reverence for the light of divinity and the shadow that is in all of us, that can only be accessed by our souls when incarnated in human form. Our souls are the pure light of source energy and thus getting to be human is the opportunity to be messy, to bump up against other humans having their own messy experience, and to thoroughly enjoy every minute of it from a place of non-judgment.

What if we truly embraced every part of the human experience as not only necessary but part of a "grand experiment" which is the birthplace of growth and expansion allowing us to be, feel, and experience more and more love?

 

Deciding What to Share

As I launch this blog, I've been contemplating what to share and what not to share. Over time I've observed the two poles of perspectives, particularly on social media: share everything or share nothing. As I've grappled with what fits best with my heart, I've stayed closer to the nothing side. This decision wasn't from a place of fear or feeling ashamed, but rather from a deep place of self love and reverence for my journey. Glennon Doyle talks about making sure we have an intention for why we are sharing and until that was solid for me, it felt most authentic to share small parts of myself, a bit at a time.

What IS my intention?

My intention is to support human beings in their journeys back to themselves. I non-judgmentally hold space, ask questions, provide tools and am genuinely curious about what their heart & soul is truly calling for. Not my projection, not my wound, not my epiphany! I provide the opportunity for my clients to experience clarity, layer by layer.

I am so curious, what is truly real for you?

What brings you energy like Christmas morning?! That's where we start! Many of us are afraid to say those things out loud because they've been responded to with "but what about" or "my concern is" or my personal favorite (fill in judgmental preface followed by) "I just want you to be happy." Yes, those who love us have intentions that would make our hearts explode with love if we could truly feel them. However, at times fear, projection, and/or prior experience leads them to say things that sound more like caution than love.

This is why some parts of my journey are mine.

It's been five years since I promised to never betray my heart again and vowed to reverently listen to my intuition. This journey has not been easy, and yes, on this blog I will share some of the deep heartbreaking moments as well as some of the beyond-my-wildest-dream epiphanies. As I navigate the tricky waters of complete dedication, faith and trust in my heart & soul as my expert guide, I inevitably bump up against other humans having very real emotions around my choices. Every time this happens, I get back on my surf board and remember why I'm on this amazing ride in the first place. In that process, there is some bruising and battering, some water up the nose and maybe even coral chewing up my skin. This is why, some parts are mine. Some days my wounds need to be tended to. Some days the salt water in a gaping wound stings too much to get back on the board. Thus, resting on the beach is not only self-loving but necessary.

Then there are other days, like yesterday, when I told my new hairdresser, whom I have only seen twice, about what's truest in my heart. She listened and looked me straight in the eye in a way that I knew. She got it. She felt the truth of my heart. She saw me. I walked home feeling so much love and gratitude for the depth of her being.

We are each on a unique journey that only we can fully understand. However, I wouldn't be where I am if I didn't have support, in particular from an amazing counselor and a gifted healer. I hope to be that support for you. Your reason for being on this planet right now is critically important to your soul, everyone in your life, and for the entire universe.