A Grand Experiment

I have a kid in a candy store-like love for signs from the universe. Thus, the universe happily plays along! As all good stories begin, I was in the parking lot of the Chicago City Clerk's office, walking out frustrated because I didn't accomplish what I had wanted to. As I approached my car, I saw an Illinois license plate that read "REBIRTH." At this point, I was at the very beginning of a contraction that would prove to almost do me in, at least it felt that way.

It feels like every time I reach a new plateau of perspective, as I'm gazing at the vista celebrating the view and effort it took to get there, BAM the universe deals me a doozie. I love thinking about the process of consciousness expansion in terms of hiking. The Kalalau Trail on Kauai's north shore is my favorite; it consists of constant ups and downs, sharp cliffs, and slippery rocks. Most of all, it offers spectacular views. You'll be staring at your feet one moment, making sure you don't slip on wet, mud covered rocks, and the next moment you'll be at a lookout of nothing but turquoise and cobalt ocean for as far as the eye can see. As soon as I have sufficiently soaked in the view, it's time to keep moving and hike up another steep ascent. I have hiked a portion of this trail more times than I can count and I am so grateful for this physical experience, emblazoned in my brain, as it provides my human self a reference point for the journey that my soul is on.

The plateau was the amazing feeling of completing another 30 hour, three day coaching workshop wherein I set the intention to hold my energetic boundaries, observe others' energy, and not judge or react. This is a huge change from my typical way of interacting as a highly sensitive person (HSP) and empath. I sense, perceive, and process everything around me so deeply that by the end of a 30 hour workshop with 40 people experiencing emotions, epiphanies, and everything in between, I'm used to needing a two day savasana to recover! Literally right before the contraction began I was on the phone with my coach celebrating this new skill I had successfully practiced and lamenting about how pleased I was to have this new tool in my HSP tool belt.

So of course, the universe was like "she's ready!" Ready as I'll ever be I suppose, and honestly, every single time this happens, no matter how absolutely incredible the other side is, I am completely and utterly terrified during the process. Fortunately, I've been through enough of these to have a point of reference and see a pattern. It starts with learning, growing, expanding, then a new vista is reached, then "oh holy $hit I'm falling down a cliff into a dark hole and am going to disappear into nothingness and become a fly's dinner," then...rebirth!

Back to the City Clerk's Office and this auspicious license plate. I read it, smiled, thought "this may be for me," got in the car and started driving the wrong way down the parking aisle in the small strip mall like the complete rebel that I am. I pull out onto the street and miraculously the REBIRTH license plate shows up right in front of me at the stop light. How is that even possible? I don't think anyone was in the car when I walked by. WOAH, okay, that is for me.

Then the games began. The first sign was a level of anxiety no pretending-to-be-sane human being should have to endure. My chest was closed, my heart rate sky high, and I had to remind myself to breathe. (This is why we practice yoga...but that's a different blog post!) Over the course of the next week I kept moving through the energy, but the panic was ever present. I journaled, cried, marched around like a two year old muttering angry words (you should try it, it's a great way to release anger!), wrote myself a card, got a massage, talked to my energy healer, hiked with a friend, pulled oracle cards, and journaled some more. After enduring a week of this, I was out walking Oski and the contraction was so intense that I was literally afraid that I was going to become a speck of dust.

I walked back into my condo and burst into tears, this knowing hit me like a ton of bricks and my old perspective was being shed and grieved like my clothing was on fire and I just had to get it off. It all came so fast, and then words, words that weren't mine and they needed to come through me. I grabbed a piece of chalk and went to my chalk wall:

What if my only purpose is to know I am Divine Love?

What if everything else is a choice?

A step on the path to come home; come home to this knowing

To then live every subsequent step or experience as sport/recreation/a grand experiment in being human

Then why does it hurt so badly?

Because I am human and to be human is to experience Divine love in the human body/form/lens

Being human can hurt like hell and also be beautiful beyond wildest imagination

This was truly a complete perspective shift for me. I intellectually knew most of this to be true, but my being didn't feel it. It was my soul that needed to heal, my soul that needed to download this knowing from the universe into every cell of my being so that this is my new lens. A pure reverence for the light of divinity and the shadow that is in all of us, that can only be accessed by our souls when incarnated in human form. Our souls are the pure light of source energy and thus getting to be human is the opportunity to be messy, to bump up against other humans having their own messy experience, and to thoroughly enjoy every minute of it from a place of non-judgment.

What if we truly embraced every part of the human experience as not only necessary but part of a "grand experiment" which is the birthplace of growth and expansion allowing us to be, feel, and experience more and more love?